The Journal
by homemadedonuts
Summary: Life as we know it has changed. The ghosts of memories haunt all the survivors. In all of this, Kaiden deals with the grief of his loss.
1. Chapter 1

_**Gosh it sure has been a while since I wrote a Fan Fiction. Anyway, this is based after Mass Effect Three, so if you haven't beat the game... Well I didn't really give anything away than what you -should- have expected. None the less, a slight spoilerage. Read that at your own risk. Please leave me some feedback! And forgive my sometimes awful grammar. Also, this is my own spin on things. So, don't hate me too much if I change it up from the game a little. Last but not least, I do not own rights to the story or anything, everything will be cited and all rights belong to EA and Bioware. Blah blah blah. Enjoy!**_

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><p><em>Used To Steal Your Parents Liquor<br>And Climb To The Roof  
>Talk About Our Future<br>Like We Had A Clue  
>Never Plan That One Day<br>I'd Be Losing You_

_In Another Life_  
><em>I Would Be Your Girl<em>  
><em>We Keep All Our Promises<em>  
><em>The Us Against The World.<em>

_In Another Life_  
><em>I Would Make You Stay<em>  
><em>So I Don't Have To Say<em>  
><em>You Were The One That Got Away<em>  
><em>The One That Got Away.<em>

_Katy Perry - The One That Got Away_

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><p>There was that light again. That green piercing light. Inside the light he could see her… She looked like she was burning. There was nothing, no sound.. Nothing but the beat of his own heart in his head. No matter how fast he ran, no matter how hard he tried… She burned. She burned, and he could not save her. And then, the green light engulfed him, and soon he burned too. He could feel his skin crackling with heat. He could feel his bones starting to turn into jelly, and before his lips burned off the last thing he could say was her name. "Misha…" Before the green fire burned out his eyes.<p>

That's when he woke up.

Kaiden sat up from his bed with a slick of sweat covering him, more so than usual. This planet they had crashed on was humid, though they had not been here a full year yet. If this had been earth, he would have said they were in the dog days of summer… But this wasn't earth, was it?

Despite the sun barely being on the horizon, he knew that no matter his efforts sleep wouldn't be an option anymore. The thundering of his heart was slowing, but in its retreat he was met with that crushing grief. There was no contact with anyone, so the spark of hope that she was still alive sometimes got him through the first few hours of the day… But sooner or later, he succumbed to reality. He knew that she was dead. Going into the mission, despite his last protests… He knew that she would have done anything at all to see the reapers gone. Misha would have given her life for it. He knew her that well.

Kaiden made his way out of the tent that he'd called home now for a few long months, and stared at the horizon. The planet they now inhabited was beautiful, rich and fertile. The abundance of trees reminded him of his father's orchard long enough to feel the grief deepen in him.

"I see that you are having trouble sleeping again, Major." Said the eerily robotic voice behind him. There lived only one synthetic upon the entire planet, and thus he didn't need to turn around to know EDI was there. "Yeah. I'm never going to get used to this humidity." At least the crummy weather was a good lie. EDI was more human than he was comfortable with, but she wasn't human enough to know that the excuse was poor. "I can understand, Major. This body had a hard time adapting to the humidity levels when we got here. I have had to reduce my processors speed in order to prevent overheating. From my understanding of the human anatomy, however, I am unable to provide you any assistance in this matter. You do not have processors. As Jeff would say, you're screwed."

Kaiden snorted, turning then to look at the incredibly well done EDI with a frown. Humor, a trait she had picked up from Joker… Sometimes it helped but today it annoyed him. The AI had progressed enough to have modesty, as well as a want to fit in. About a month after they had crashed, EDI had decided that she needed to be closer to Joker and his humanity. She had activated her suit's cloaking mechanism, causing her body to appear more human. Of course, that also meant that EDI now wore clothing like any other human being. The Alliance grade crew wear looked odd on EDI, but it was better than what she had been wearing. The tight cat suits she had started out with had caused quite a bit of stir among the remaining crew members. Eventually Joker had grown jealous enough to tell her to put them away. Now, she looked like any other human here. A gorgeous brunette even in her crew wear, but human enough.

"Thanks EDI." He only said sarcastically. Once more he turned his back to her, and stared to the horizon. "Major, I have detected a bit of indifference and anguish in you. I have read up on human psychology. If at some point you wish to, I could counsel you with great efficiency." Another snort from him, but he could see she was only trying to help. "Thanks, EDI. But I don't need a shrink." Kaiden turned then, and gave the AI a fake smile. "I'm okay. Really." EDI observed him blankly, though eventually she gave a gentle smile. "All right, Major. But I am here if you need use of me." He didn't have to tell her to go away, she left on her own.

The good thing about having EDI around was her ability to analyze things. She and Doctor Chakwas had spent time examining fruit and other flora on the planet. They had found a good deal of edibles, as well as animals that served as game. It wasn't steak, but it was good enough and it sure beat the nutrient pastes and MRE's that were on the Normandy. It also gave him a chance to be useful and busy. His father had an orchard, growing and tending things were his specialty. For a while he could work, and she wouldn't be on his mind so much. If only he was like EDI, then he wouldn't have to think about her at all. Then he could escape the grief, and escape that anger he sometimes felt. Those bittersweet memories that would forever haunt him.

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><p>Around noon, James finally came to him. Despite his reluctance, they were still eager to follow the chain of command. Kaiden was second in line after Shephard, that meant that he was the boss. For a few weeks, they had stayed in the Normandy, until it became apparent that the generators and drive core were not going to last forever… And id they ever wanted another chance to study Mass Effect drives, they had to power the ship down. And… They needed to start civilization all over again. Communications had been down since they crashed, and despite the beacon they had put up, Kaiden was pretty sure they weren't going to hear from anyone. Something just told him that this was the finality of it all. They were here, they needed to get used to that.<p>

"How the bunker coming?" He said, deliberately ignoring addressing the man with Rank. "Good Major. We should have it up in just a few weeks, And it should house us all for a while. Privacy's going to be a little strapped, but hey. Can't complain if it's a real roof over our head, right?" Kaiden could only nod. He knew what was coming next, they had already talked about it. "We aren't doing so hot on ammo. I caught some of the guys yesterday doing some target practice and I shut that down real quick… But, that doesn't change the fact we only have a few crates of it left. I know Shephard kept some in her cabin.. " Kaiden sighed loud enough to cut him off. "Yeah. I get it James. You want me to go in there."

The marine just looked at Kaiden sympathetically. "We're all sad Lola's not here, Major… But we gotta survive you know?" Kaiden just gave James a sour look. "Her name was Misha, not Lola. I don't care if it was a pet name, thetas enough. Call her by her right name, or shut your goddamned mouth." James looked taken aback, but he didn't say another word. He knew that Kaiden was mourning the Commander, just like he knew that he'd do what was asked. Without another word, he just left Kaiden standing there alone.

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><p>It took a while to work up the nerve, but eventually Kaiden found himself climbing the access ladder to the cabin. Since they had landed, he had forbidden anyone to step foot in the Captain's Cabin after checking it a few times himself. She still lingered in there. Her scent was still there, her ghost. The last time he had let anyone in there was three days after they landed, to retrieve her fish and the aquariam VI. The fish were remnants of places long lost. EDI had insisted they live.<p>

Despite the fact that the Normandy had been shut off for months now, the cabin had preserved the lingering scent of her life well. The men's cologne she wore because she liked it on him. The scent of coffee, and the overturned bottle of whiskey from their last night together. It was all still there like a cruel vice grip, squeezing his heart. "James, grab what you need." The marine finished pulling himself up the ladder after Kaiden, and then simply stared at him. "In all do respect sir, its all needed." It was true, the blankets and pillows. Her armor pieces, whatever weapons she kept close by since the collectors had invaded the Normandy before. It was all needed. Kaiden just nodded and let the few Marines start rummaging through things. Taking what they could.

He stared at the blank monitors on her desk, the one place he wouldn't let them touch yet. They stripped the room of her thermal clips, her guns, until it was just the desk. He couldn't watch them cart that off yet, not after the talks of removing all the furniture had started. For that they would need the Normandy's elevator, and thus the ship would have to be restarted. It could wait. There were various things on the desk, most of them in disarray from the crash… But the one thing he was staring at was the model of the Citadel. Misha and her models, she seemed to need to collect everyone despite their frantic needs to restore order. He never asked why she needed them, now he wished dearly that he had. His eyes had been fixed on that damned model for so long now, it could have been hours. "I told you that I couldn't lose you again." He said suddenly to no one.

The lack of answer unnerved him, and he was surprised to realize that he had expected to hear her voice. When he didn't hear it, the rage he fought so hard to swallow could be contained no longer. It was as if he was possesed, but in a flash He was knocking monitors and models off the desk and to the ground. "You said you would come back!" He said as her terminal crashed to the ground. Data pads were tossed to the floor, until his knees could no longer support him. Kaiden collapsed beside the desk, his sobs leaving echoing off the hull. There he wept,he wept for the love he had lost. He wept for the home he'd never see again. He wept for the future that he knew he would never have. Their future.

For an eternity he sobbed, until his head ached so badly. In the dark alone, surrounded by her ghost, Kaiden sat still. Someone called up the shaft after a while to see if he was all right. "Fine, coming down in a few minutes." Was all he could reply with a shaky voice. His foot touched something, and the datapad sprang to life. "Kaiden, I love you…" Said her voice. He screamed at the sound of it, for it has startled him something fierce. He stared at the Data pad, as it repeated that phrase. Her personal log… He'd stumbled onto it by accident. Despite the aching of his head, Kaiden wept again.


	2. Chapter 2

_Sometimes when I'm alone_  
><em>I wonder aloud<em>  
><em>If you're watching over me<em>  
><em>Some place far abound<em>  
><em>I must reverse my life<em>  
><em>I can't live in the past<em>  
><em>Then set my soul free<em>  
><em>Belong to me at last<em>  
><em>Through all those<em>  
><em>Complex years<em>  
><em>I thought I was alone<em>  
><em>I didn't care to look around<em>  
><em>And make this world my own<em>  
><em>And when she died<em>  
><em>I should've cried and spared myself some pain<em>  
><em>You left me incomplete<em>  
><em>All alone as the memories still remain<em>

_The way we were_  
><em>The chance to save my soul<em>  
><em>And my concern is now in vain<em>  
><em>Believe the word<em>  
><em>I will unlock my door<em>  
><em>And pass the cemetery gates<em>

_Pantera - Cemetary Gates._

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><p>Getting the datapad to stop repeating was the easy part. He had stepped on it, but it was wholly undamaged otherwise. He hard part was working up the nerve to listen to it. He wasn't sure exactly what was on it, an initial review showed that there were a great deal of entries. These were Shepard's personal thoughts and feelings, it felt like peeking at her diary. He kept the datapad a secret, he wasn't ready to share it with the rest. When he listened to it, it should be for him only. At first that was.<p>

The workday was long, as always, but he found himself anxious to be alone through dinner. They had taken to gathering in the evening, sharing a meal and telling stories of earth. Of life as they had known it, and of Shepard's heroics. Sometimes, Kaidan thought that they idolized her like some kind of legend. As the months had passes, some of the things they talked about…. Well, you certainly would've had to been there to believe it. Clearly, he wasn't the only one mourning her. Liara was always oddly silent during these times, and Tali was nearly reduced to tears at any mention of Shepard and Garrus. Still, he coveted his treasure. He wasn't ready to share the datapad. Not until he knew exactly what was on it.

When the meal was over, he found himself in a hurry to get pack to staring at the silent datapad. Why? He couldn't tell exactly. As their leader, he felt compelled to wait until they had cleared out to leave. This behavior did not go by unnoticed by Liara, who talked less and less as the days passed by. "Kaidan, Are you all right?" The question caught him off guard, and for a few moments he couldn't hide the guilty look that came over his face. "Yeah, Liara. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired." The asari didn't appear convinced, but she took the shrug off for what it was.

He practically ran to his tent when they had dispersed. He realized about halfway through dinner that he couldn't fight it. He had to know what was on the datapad. He grabbed his pistol, a clip, and the datapad. As he slunk away from the camp, he felt a pang of guilt. He was their leader, he needed to be the strong one. But right now he couldn't be. He couldn't be anything but broken.

There was a lagoon not far from camp, full of fresh water and fish. The lagoon was their link to life, had they landed on a planet that didn't have water well… They would have been royally screwed. At night, sometimes he took solace in the sound of the water, and the wildlife echoing against it. Tonight, the lagoon would be his shoulder. Kaidan swallowed hard, and pressed play on the datapad. He listened to the sound of Shepard's voice, a sound that brought tears to his eyes at first.

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><p>"<em>It's been two days since I woke up, and this is the first time I've really been given a chance to be by myself. I… find this all very difficult to process. Of all the programs to bring me back, Cereberus? Really? And how?<em>

_I remember bits and pieces of it. I think I woke up a few times. I know that I saw Miranda and Wilson, but there were other times too. I remember the ceiling mostly, and the beeps of the life support. But… I don't know. It's odd that I am back, and I can't help but wonder. Am I human? I took a shot on freedom's progress, damned mechs. It wasn't anything but a graze really… But I bled. If I can bleed, then I must be real?_

_I remember everything too. About before. Saren, the geth. Sovereign. I remember things that couldn't have been known through any vid or extranet. They are my memories, I didn't think that computers could be programmed with real memories. Or emotions. And I feel those too…._

_God, the crash. I remember the crash so vividly. Kaidan running around, the collector's beam. I almost got spaced before I made it to Joker, and I swear to god I broke his arm getting him out of that seat. And… god help me… I remember dying. I remember what it felt like as my suit ran out of air. Couldn't they have Aleuts spared me that one?_

_What do I do now? This Illusive Man wants me to fight the collectors, but really…. I feel like I should sort myself out first. They didn't give me much time to do anything at all. We were off to freedom's progress once I woke up. I don't know anyone that's ever been declared legally dead… So, I really don't know where I'm going._

_And it's not like I was just lost somewhere… I was really dead. I remember dying. So, that means that everyone has to have moved on. How do you show up on someone's doorstep two years after you died? Its bound to cause some questions, right? I don't believe I'm really me, how can I expect anyone else to._

_I feel alone. I don't know anyone here, even though I got to see Tali and Joker. I don't really know what to say to them. I catch them all staring at me out of the corners of my eye, and it's as if they've seen a ghost._

_I guess in a way they have._

_I just need someone to talk to. And the one person that I want to talk to most, I can't seem to find. EDI, the ships AI has looked for Kaidan for me, but the Alliance has his position classified. I guess it's for the best, I can't imagine what he'd say if he knew I was back. But Jesus, I feel lost without him._

_I think I've earned a very long sleep. EDI, lock the door. I don't feel up to visitors right now."_

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><p>The entry ended, and Kaidan stared at the datapad. "Oh, shit. Misha… I'm so sorry." But what could he have done? She really had died. He soaked it all in, the confessions of the brave and fearless Commander Shepard. Everyone always treated her as if she were the foundation, only he knew that the person underneath that had real fears. Had real heart. With a sigh, Kaidan stared out into the moonlit water. If only she were here now.<p> 


End file.
